1. The swine flu is crazy contagious, so if you have it, you need to stay indoors. Better yet, you need to seal yourself up, “bubble boy style,” just to be safe. If you don’t have a spare bubble lying around, use saran wrap.
2. The swine flu is like March, “In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb.” At first, it’s going to totally suck for you. All your hair will fall out, boils will appear all over your body, and you will lose all of your senses except for smell, which you will actually wish you no longer had, for the odor emanating from your body will be super foul, like northern New Jersey but worse. Fortunately, this will only last for a few months, at which point you will miraculously feel no pain at all.
3. Unfortunately, the reason for this will be because you will be dead.
4. Yes, contracting the swine flu is fatal. However, nobody lives forever, so don’t sweat it. At least it’s a fairly interesting way to go. Better than being hit by a bus, right?
5. Actually, it isn’t. Future generations will not regard swine flu deaths as noble or admirable. In fact, over time, the origins of the illness will grow foggy, and the only thing people will remember is the name. They will thus assume you died from eating bad pork. All in all, not really a “cool” way to go.
6. Fortunately, not everyone will think this. Some people will have a different idea about what caused swine flu.
7. Unfortunately, that idea will be that you had sex with a pig, and contracted pig A.I.D.S. and died.
8. These people, from then on, will brand you a “pig fucker” (their words not mine), and, because “pig fuckers” have no place in normal cemeteries, your body will be dug up and removed.
9. By this time, there will be very little of the earth left that isn’t being used for something, so it will be difficult to find a place to put you.
10. Fortunately, wherever this place is, it will likely be where pigs are kept, thus completing the cycle, and keeping you in good company, pig fucker.